So I'm hanging out at my house, Sammi brought her laptop over and my neighbors have unrestricted Wifi, so we can access the internet from the privacy of my room, instead of in the kitchen at my slow as fuck computer where my mother can check up on everything that I say and do.

Speaking of my mother...

Sammi and I went to visit her mother today in Appleton, and we told her about my mum's latest scheme, which is to force me to lose seven pounds by Friday. It's Tuesday. She told me about it yesterday. Is that just a LITTLE BIT FUCKING RIDICULOUS to anyone else but me?

Yes. Yes it is. Sammi's paternal grandmother got pissed off on my behalf, her biological mother told me it was child abuse, and at times like this (yes, this has happened before) her stepmother has gotten this sad look in her eyes, gotten a little mad, and then said something about child abuse.

I know it's child abuse. I wouldn't have figured it out without them telling me so, but now that I know, I also know that there's nothing that I can do. If my mom wants to ground me from my car, my cell phone, my tv (which she already took away for the reason being that I didn't lose enough weight for her), anything that I own... she can. And there's nothing that I can do to stop her. It's all things that she bought for and pays the bills for anyways, so it's technically all hers. Free to be taken away at will.

It just bothers me that she has that power. That she can tell me that she's disgusted with me (her actual words) and that she's sick of me not losing enough weight. Maybe she should know that she's the exact reason that I tried to kill myself.

That's right, folks, you read that correctly. I'm not a fucking attention whore either, so don't you fucking dare even think that. I've "mutilated" myself multiple times because I was so sad and scared and angry that she has such control over me. Purposely bruising myself, and scratching my skin off, and hitting myself with things, and taking pills that I don't need just so I can sleep at night. She knows I'm depressed... she doesn't know why. I've been on at least five different medications, but the depression can't improve if the situation doesn't. I've gone to school crying, skipped class because I couldn't stop thinking about it, shut myself in my room all day just to avoid her... I'm so fucking sick of it. I know she does it because she "loves" me. I just wish she would "love" me a little bit less. That's past tough love, it's at the point where it's an obsession and it's child abuse. And it's all directed at me. It was directed at my sister also, but she went to college... moved out... got her own place... never really has to come around here. But since she doesn't have to deal with mum every single day, they've reconciled and don't detest each other anymore.

I'm still stuck here for another year until I go to college. But, hey, look on the bright side: I plan to be still living when college time comes around. A month ago, I would NOT have said that.

Part of that is because I got a psychiatrist, who can better assess the situation than my regular family doctor, and knows behavorial issues, depression issues, you name it, he's studied it. And my family doctor is obsessed with me losing weight too. She's kind of like the M.D. version of my mum. So I'm glad I don't have to see her anymore. And she's a pediatrician. I'm seventeen. There's not really much that she can do for me.

And I can't talk about it to anyone anymore. I had a therapist, but telling complete strangers my ailments was kind of strange, as I'm usually suck a private person. Adam won't put forth the effort to stay friends, let alone listen to me. I don't want to hurt Sammi by telling her that I still hurt all the time. Brody stopped listening.

That pretty much sums it up.

Oddly enough, that didn't make me feel better at all, letting that out. It made me feel... hopeless.

I love how I use the da journal to bitch about my life. It's a bitter laugh kind of situation, but the kind of bitter laugh that lets you know that it's not funny at all.

-sigh-